I am simply about to press a thought… But what led me here actually revealed a surprising truth–that I haven’t been writing for almost two years. Where was I? I guess, similar to what I am about to share, just lost. How apt?

Here’s what has been bugging my mind in this ungodly hour…

I was young and lost when I found you–well, you found me. Like lightning speed I found myself then lost in you. It was when I was loosening too deep that I found out you were a lost soul too–only worse. We didn’t know then that for the next nine years we would find ourselves entangled in a cycle of losing and finding. And that at the end of it, I would find myself exhausted by the twists and turns only to realize that I’ve wasted almost a decade losing myself for the wrong one; and that I’d eventually be searching and finding myself again alone.

Fast forward to the end… On the verge of almost making it, we found ourselves again seeking. I’ve found you so many times and I’ve held you but you kept falling through my fingers. Because you keep searching and searching when everything you need is right in front of you. You keep seeking when all that’s lost is you. You know the way but you won’t take the path; you won’t even look at it because I was there. You want me there, always there, without you actually being there at the same time. Everywhere you find me is a place of safety for you; but you won’t take refuge. Your lost mind has taught you to never to stop searching. Then I follow you and I see you losing it every single time. And I find you but you zone out. You zone out because you keep reaching on for what is never there… You keep wanting the thing that you never knew you always have. You have dismissed reality; and as real as I am, you have forsaken me too. Discontented, you’ve shunned the long journey that brought us where we are–found, but still searching. We’re verging on stupidity and the realm of inane uncertainty all because you’ve lost grip of what is real and what is imagined. Then you deceive yourself into hating what’s proven and wanting the unproven.

I want to keep finding you but I keep losing myself in the process. And I’ve got two tagging along as I follow you to lost cause without you acknowledging that they need you too. I have grown much into this losing and finding that I’ve learned finally when to stop. But you’re not keeping up with the cycle and it has outgrown you; like your kids outgrowing you. You want them to lose precious years finding you the same way I did for almost a decade?

I won’t let you. It has been excruciating for me to keep finding myself trapped in this helpless loop; watching you beautifully stuck in your immature searching–of pushing and pulling; rewinding and forwarding; wanting and rejecting. We are no yo-yo.

While you enjoy losing yourself again for the wrong things, I’m walking and not looking back in anger. You’ve lost me this time. For good.