Hallo-Win!

Halloween is supposed to be scary–but that’s not quite what we’ve experienced just recently.

Paula and Gabby dressed up for the event. Since it was sem break, I had the time to plan and create their costumes. Unfortunately for me, the kids were not so prepared. Yes, they were excited (I supposed Gabby was, despite of her inability to express such yet) but Paula got scared of the setup (the design, music and all) while Gabby was more inclined to sleep than to have fun at the hour. But it all came to a conclusion and it ended well.

Here are some photos from the event (c/o Kae)……

Gabrielle joins the animal print bandwagon with her snow leopard outfit.

Sleepy head.

After-party. The real fun begins with play, play, and play.

Paula wasn’t the big sister most people would expect her to be. She cried that day–got too scared of everybody else’s spooky look (and maybe of her own, too). In case you’re wondering how Paula pulled off her own stunt despite her Halloween drama and futile attempts to take off, here’s one memory of her biggest nightmare…

Gloomy day. Paula apparently and insistently wanted to look cute, which explains the frustration, disappointment, and horror in her face.

Admittedly, Halloween is not all fun. We are often reminded that life’s uncertain (not really relevant to this post). It could be shaky, too. And the thought of it is just plain horror. But that gives us more reason to try to find fun and happiness–and make life’s daily horror more acceptable and bearable.

Girls’ Day Out

Here’s a thought: In the middle of our busy schedule, we always find time for things that interest us or make us happy. So here’s mine…

I’ve been wanting to share how I spend my weekends with the kiddos at the expense of my work and school (and a full bath!). We always go out–to the mall or to some nearby park (Nuvali is a favorite). And when we’re within the confines of our humble home, I take care of them–from helping them take a shower to cooking and putting them to bed.

This weekend is a bit special. Although technically not a weekend, the finals week has been giving me some days off. The final exams for one of my electives was scheduled in advanced while the other required a final paper–which meant that I didn’t have to take them as scheduled.

So enough of the backgrounder. The kids love to go out and they’d appreciate anything not home. So here’s a sneak peak to two of our days out.

FIRST is one of our usual weekends–malling.

What came out of our short visit to the mall.

Next up was our FRIDAY swimming.

Here’s Gabby whom we fondly call with a host of other names like By-kae-kae, Abbykae, Tintin, Baten, Omwoi, Gubai, and Bambam–depends on who’s calling her.

Gabrielle having so much fun!

Presenting the finalists for 2012 Bikini Open!

“Ang mga Ate. Bow.”

 

 

In other news, I’m not in any of these pics. That’s what happens when you’re the photographer.

More photos!

I have so many stories to share and these pics only tell a few of them. I need to put baby to sleep now so those stories are reserved for next time. But before I end this post, let me leave you with a swagger…

Smiling gangnam style!

 

 

 

Gabrielle Turns 1!

Sept 22–Kristen Gabrielle’s first birthday and christening!

Add to Cart

“Add to Cart” is an icon you find in most e-commerce websites.

“Add to Cart” is what we do when we go grocery shopping. Why? Because we always have something–err someone–err two babies on the cart. Here’s some pieces of evidence of what we did during the long weekend.

Gibby, in spite of her tender age, has managed to make a friend, Mickey.

And guess what, looks like we almost don’t have anything else on the cart…

Fine. “Grocery” is just an excuse to take the babies out.

Wonqui Badz

Paula had a fever last week. And as soon as she got better, we had an experiment… Tadah! Paula posing as a model, and I trying hard to be a make-up artist!

Mah Home Girlz!

Paula, the conqueror, has taken over everything… The tablet included! And the low def camera didn’t stop her from dominating… As she and Gabby dominate my heart with these!

And boy, did I not tell you her eyes gave up on her? Not once…

But twice!

My Lovelies in Low Def

Looking good in low definition/resolution images…

Nobody wants any of these two get upset.

With my cousin…

Gabby on Free Fall

I bet most people never cared about sleeping positions until they become parents. That — based on my experience.

Neither Gabby nor Paula as a baby made “free fall” a habit — a sleeping position where a person lays on his/her front, the front facing the bed. But I would normally do that: laying my baby tummy-down on my tummy, when she’s not comfortable.

Like today, I haven’t slept at all and it’s already 4 am. Gabby’s been waking up every 10-30 minutes or so, always almost crying before I held her up.

I think that position helps because my heat would relieve whatever cold my baby is feeling and the pressure on her tummy helps suppress any pain. I’m so sleepy and I have to go to Makati from Laguna a few hours from now. Unfortunately, I have to keep awake to ensure that Gabby gets a good night sleep. Normal mommy duties, just like any night.

So just sharing how it looks like!

Forgive me for that stressful look.

My Easter Bunny

Since Paula learned how to read, she’s been bugging me with a lot of things… And one most recently was to join an event for kids this Easter Sunday, after reading an ad from a local mall.

Who’s not to say “yes” to a rare request? Besides, she’s been very shy especially during her first year in school. And you won’t believe that for a big girl like her, she was an easy target of bullying.

Allow me to explain a bit… Because she was too young and then and I wasn’t so sure that she’s ready for school, I decided to send her to day care for her first year. It’s like a trial period. And because I was out to work and I have school, I wasn’t able to look after her — sending her to class and fetching her were a yaya’s task. And I was blessed to have a good yaya then… One whom she really considered an “Ate”. I wanted her to socialize, meet kids of her age and have fun. But it wasn’t what I expected. It was great, she has truly learned in the end… But it was a hostile environment for one who’s got a yaya. Parents are usually allowed to stay by the window, coaching their kids as they undertake their daily activities. And I’ve learned that kids with their parents are always more confident and thus, bullier — because they’ve got a mommy or a daddy, and sometimes even both, as private armies. In other words, kids with their parents around are literally SMARTER.

One of her classmates remarked, “Wala ka namang Mommy eh.” That I was teary eyed hearing that awful story from her. And when school was finally over, I managed to accompany her to class on days when no subject was scheduled for finals. And one day I was even there waiting outside, she turned to me:

Paula (teary eyed): Mommy, inaaway na naman ako classmate ko.

Me (trying not to lose my cool): Sabihin mo nandito Mommy mo.

Paula walked away and returned after a few seconds…

Paula: Eh sabi niya andito din Mommy niya.

Me: (silent… controlling my temper… The guts of that kid!)

Despite the bullying, she survived her first year. And just this year, I sent her to a private school where parents are only allowed to send their kids at the gates. So, that gave her better chances at improving her self-confidence. True enough, she became more confident, independent, and a whole lot smarter. Her teachers are even recommending her for Grade 1, instead of taking the next level which is Prep.

So having that sort of background, I am in no position to refuse an offer from her to join not just any activity, but a competition… An Easter Bunny Carnival Costume Contest (dunno if I got that right, doesn’t sound good to me).

I promised her we were going. Without any preparation, except from some googling for costume idea, I texted my brother’s girlfriend to seek help. So that makes us four already — me, Paula, my bro’s gf, and my bro (because I brought his gf in). Incidentally, my mother just got back from Cebu where she attended the funeral of my Uncle (eternal rest grant unto him…). She brought with her some summer dresses that my Auntie is making in Toledo for export in the U.S. That was Saturday. I mentioned to Kae, my bro’s gf, that I saw some pics of an Easter parade in NYC where people wear big hats with gardens on them. And she suggested we make a head dress. Come Easter Sunday, my other brother decided to come with us because I was bringing Gabrielle with us. That makes six of us.

We got to the mall at 1pm, without anything but the dress and the hat that Kae brought. The parade was scheduled for 2pm, so we really had to hurry. My bro and his gf took care of the registration, 5 minutes before start, while I raced with time making the head dress.

PREPPING UP! Before this, she only had red lipstick and some blush on. Because I heard the other mommy panicking over her daughter's make up, I had to panic too! Twas time for some dark brown eyeshadow.

;

THE RAMP. Paula gracing the stage with her summer dress and our 15-minute head dress. Yes, it had big yellow bunny ears and eggs on the nest. She had brown booty sandals to match her big peasant hat (which did so accidentally). See her bunny pose in the middle!

There was some magic show while the judges deliberate and finalize their decision. It was a long wait, especially for a 5-year old like Paula. Some judges pointing at her, asking for her number, was a good sign.

THE CONTESTANTS. These kids were vying for the title "Wackiest", "Most Colorful", and the "Cutest" Bunny Carnival Costume.

THE SHOW. Perhaps Paula would make a good actress (as opposed to her mommy)... Despite her repulsion to having to wear the heavy head dress again, she managed some great smiles. They'd given away bunny head bands eventually, which gave her some good excuse to remove the burden.

Paula gaining some weight after her big loss is becoming more apparent. She was too skinny until school finally ended.

THE VICTOR. Yay! She won her category -- CUTEST Bunny Carnival Costume!

Oh yeah we brought home some gift certificates and were guilty of shopping right after. It was fun and rewarding despite the lack of preparation. But the exposure and experience that Paula had was priceless, not to mention the confidence boost that no amount of money can ever buy.

BUNNY PHONE. My phone should have joined, too! Niclaus (my phone's name) looks good with its purple costume (although it looks blue here because of the poor lighting).

Btw, thanks to Kae for also being our camera person! Great pics you got there!

The Day Gabby Spoke the First Word She Meant

Being a second-time mom doesn’t make it less exciting. You get to be as proud for every milestone… And I guess that goes for every mother for each of her child. Having previous experience doesn’t make one an expert — only makes you stronger and more confident.

Making the most of the summer vacation, we take her out as often as we can. It's funny how she tries so hard not to sleep -- she loves the change of scenery.

When you become a parent, you become more vulnerable.

You fear not only for yourself — but more for your child. And that leaves you always anxious and worried, especially when you’re away from your child. But as time goes by, you become stronger… trusting that Someone out there will take care of everything.

Being a parent does not only mean challenges. As a parent, you will get to experience the best of emotions — love, joy, and happiness. You get to find sense in every little thing there is and feel very proud of small changes.

Gabby began to speak her first word when she was three months old — making her best efforts to make a sound that doesn’t make sense even to herself. Three months after that, I think she’s starting to say something that makes sense to her.

She’s probably been saying it for a long time but not too clearly… And that I just started to notice

just recently. Yes, she knows now how to say Mama, Mammy, and Mimi — in random order. When she’s not too hurt and is probably just calling my attention, she blurts out Mammy and Mama. And when she’s a bit alarmed or hurt (like her sleep disturbed), she wails “Mimi”. Oh yeah when she’s totally angry she calls out “Wah” like Sen. Miriam — although not in a similar manner.

So that makes me a very proud mother. She calls my name, looking at me, with her hands almost like reaching. And the joy is too overwhelming it almost breaks my heart.

"Taking pics of me again?" Gabby at 6 months!

SWEET TOOTH. Chocolates and mallows are sweet -- and so is Gabby.

 

 

Most people observe how observant she is — staring at things like she understands them. She watches the impeachment trial too and perhaps she can’t wait for Congress’ session to resume. And whenever she sees good food, she tries to express her excitement by making that “aye” look and doing some kicking motions.

 

I know, I know! Sweets like these are not good for the baby. But we only allow her to taste and not feed.

VOILA! Here's how she looks after a short bout with the chocolate and sugar-coated mallows!

 

 

 

 

You know that look? That’s DISAPPOINTMENT. “Please give me more…”

Chun Chin and the Clothes Bin

The kids and I had great fun today…

Yes, that’s a girl who looks just like a good looking boy! We call her Gabby, though my mom fondly calls her Chun Chin!

And because her ate refused to fix our bed, she ended up being in the clothes bin! She looked wonderful, didn’t she? And one more…

Being a good girl that she is, she didn’t put up a fight with me for putting her into such “compromising” position. Lol.

Paula had great fun too! But no photo ops as of today. She’s kinda allergic to shower so she’s better off cam.

Til next time!

Because the two of us are up at 2 am

Oh yeah, you’ve just awoken from slumber while I have been awake since 10 am yesterday (now it seemed i overslept yesterday but no… Got to bed at 3 am, like I hope to do today)…

Because I can’t tell you because you won’t be able to understand just yet…
And because you’ve gone asleep again after 9 long minutes…

I just want to tell you that I feel you’ll grow up very beautiful… And your natural lip color is too nice that it’s making me envious.

That sometimes I would wish that you’d grow up fast so you won’t be as vulnerable anymore…
That you’d be able to voice out what you think of the impeachment trial because you often watch the proceedings attentively…
That I won’t be always uneasy when I’m everything but not watching after you…

But don’t grow up just yet…
I want to savor every minute being with the little you…
Me always wanting to take care of you…
Me baby sitting you…
Just me loving you like every mother would.

I love you, Gabrielle. And you can’t say, when you grow up, that you don’t remember me telling you that. Because you won’t have any memory of it — just a proof that I did say that when you were helpless and delicate and so precious to me. You won’t be as helpless and delicate when that day comes, but you’ll always be as precious.

Year-End Packages

First things first. I don’t want to leave the year without saying goodbye to the year that was. I’ve been MIA for a very long time and there are good reasons for it. Second, I want to keep a short documentation of this year’s highlights.

Remember Paula? She’s a bit grown-up now. And look how beautiful she has turned from the chubby little girl who always seemed to almost explode.

 

Paula, aka Wong, waits for her favorite beverage at Happy Lemon, Powerplant Mall, Rockwell

 

She ultimately loves yellow -- she even wanted to have her hair color changed.

And just immediately after Paula turned into 5, we’ve got our early Christmas present. Here’s our new baby-yo!

So here's the new package from heaven, all wrapped in pink. She should be "Little Red Baby in a Pink Hood."

 

Here's Kristen Gabrielle with her Ate.

"Kanguso"

Aw! She looks like a boy even in pink!

That’s all I’ve got this time!

The Homeless Child Has No Lola

I have become a story teller. It’s not a voluntary act or from some deliberate concern but a matter of necessity. Of course I did envision myself as a mother-teacher who would  impart stories of good values as I attempt to inculcate good morals to my child. But I have let go of that idea since I am not a full-time mother and traveling from Laguna to Makati and back everyday has been eating my precious time. It was a sacrifice I had to make — less quality time for Paula but at least seeing her everyday.

But things have changed since I entered law school. I come home only on weekends and spend limited time with her. And since I am always almost at the edge of breaking down due to sleeplessness, I make crazy efforts to put her to an immediate sleep. Thus, the story telling.

My stories have evolved over time. There are crazy ones and those of the impossible which she doesn’t really mind. She likes to ask questions and I give crazy answers. I don’t intend to sound funny, and she doesn’t find them funny either, but I don’t have the intellectual vigor to provide intelligent answers. But surely, there are also cases wherein I am able to provide, if not the best, at least logical and reasonable explanations.

My encouragement for her singing evolved too. I found this song by Carrie Underwood entitled “Temporary Home” which I really like and find the message fit for a growing child, except for the continuous flow of the lyrics which can be a little hard for a 3-year old (She has turned 4 just earlier). So to make the song a little catchy for her, I’ve decided to relate one of the stories behind the lyrics. The song actually tells about the life of three individuals who see some things as temporary in light of a greater plan that must be waiting ahead of them. It tells of hope and dreams. And the first story about the little boy was the one I really feel connected to, although my life was never close to his.

Little boy, 6 years old
A little too used to bein’ alone.
Another new mom and dad, another school,
Another house that’ll never be home.
When people ask him how he likes this place…
He looks up and says, with a smile upon his face,

“This is my temporary home
It’s not where I belong.
Windows and rooms that I’m passin’ through.
This is just a stop, on the way to where I’m going.
I’m not afraid because I know this is my
Temporary Home.”

 

You get the story, right? So I tell her that the little boy’s real mom and dad have left him and that some other couple are about to take care of him. And I remind her how lucky she is that I didn’t leave her just because I love her. She asks so many questions, every “bakit (why)”  there is to ask. So I explain that maybe the kid’s parents do not have the financial capacity to raise the child or they were not ready to accept the responsibility. And another bakit comes in. A lot of bakit, and finally she made a qualification, “Wala ba siyang lola?”

So you get the idea. If the parents left the kid, wouldn’t the lola be taking care of him and not some other people? That made me think of my mother who is taking care of her when I am away. She’s the closest she can think of as a solution to the child’s problem as it is how it goes in her life.

My mother is not perfect, she never really took care of me and my little brothers. But I am amazed how great a job she’s doing for my kid. She brings Paula with her everywhere and she stoops down to Paula’s level with much enthusiasm. That’s even an understatement. Mama is never the emotional, sweet mom. She’s strict and a force to be reckoned with. We always complain about how she makes little things a big hell of a deal. But she transforms into a kid whenever Paula is around. She dances and screams with her.

I did say a few times that I will never be the way my mother was to us. But that story of the homeless child showed me that I cannot match the attention my mother is giving to my child. That little boy had no one else to care for him, but Paula has my mother during my absence. She even sent a bad yaya away for hurting Paula. She is perfectly filling my shoes and is effectively playing the role of the mom that I want to be.

I will be that mom someday, now I tell myself.

Holiday Reminiscence

It’s a holiday and I’m sipping coffee while I force a book unto my brain. And because I hesitate to be lonely, my lappy Samson provides me some music background and a few updates of my friends through social networks. While browsing through FB, I came across some old photos of Paula during our holidays off home and was reminded of some of the humors we’ve had encounter.

 

My friend, Je, making fun of the only baby in the group during our Macau trip.

 

She hoped the metallic comb would open the package.

 

She tries to open anything that gets into her hands. I'm not sure if she thought the disposable undie has something edible with it or she simply hates plastic packaging.

 

So here's Ate Je training little Paula how to make "irap".

 

A locale in Macau in amusement. She's not the first victim, though. We've had a number of encounters with strangers asking for photos with her in both HK and Macau.

 

The cheek peace sign.

 

She doesn't like the feel of the sand on her feet. Good thing the puppy has tamed her for a long minute. Taken in one of the beaches in Batangas.

 

Nobody disturbs her when she's concentrating. At least everyone's eyes are on her.

And I was immediately struck of how fast Paula has grown up. She is a school girl now and can easily write her own name although with the letters in random order (She spells her name “Puaul”). These photos were taken when she was only two, and now she’s turning four.

She called me up yesterday, telling me “antagal mo naman” and asking if I have a surprise for her.

I’m just missing my baby. I’m off work-off school without her for the first time. Then I’m off Paula, too, making me offed three times today.

So what do you think about your holiday?

Despicable Mom-ME

des pi ca ble |diˈspikəbəl|

adjective

deserving hatred and contempt : a despicable crime

The youngest person in the household next to Paula is a high school student, a cousin who’s been living with my family since my parents started to support his studies. This leaves Paula the only baby, who’s turning four, the primary source of joy and the leading object of fun. Yes, fun.

I always see to it that I come home for the weekends so I can spend time with her. We go out in the mall, in the park, or just about anywhere we can hang out and pig out. I bring her to work and school whenever possible. When I’m home, she goes with me wherever I go. Based on these, anyone can conclude that I am such a great mother, but in truth I am not. I am no perfect mommy. I am also a kid myself.

So when does being despicable come in?

I bet sending her on errands does not count. She willingly obliges to every order that I make, even it be about asking money from my mother for a movie pass. She also provides for our drinking water during meal time without us having to ask her.

We make fun of her, with my little brothers as my partners in crime — twisting the word ‘baby‘ to ‘baboy‘ when we say “ganda naman ng baboy na yan.” And my brother says ‘bata‘ repetitively to make it sound ‘bata bata bata bata‘, in effect, having ‘taba‘ in between.

We play dead until she cries. Well, that was when she was a lot younger. She now knows when we’re just acting, but still she cannot discern whether something is a truth or a lie. So we make her cry with the stories that we make like one when I made her believe that she has a twin sister, just like my brother, and that I take care of the other baby when I am away from home. She’d cry, unbelieving I could spend more time with the other child.

We feast on her chocolates. She’s so generous she’d offer anything she has and when nothing is left, she just simply says, “hayy… wala na ako.”

I put out the lights when we sleep which scares her like hell until she sleeps from crying. She has some negative vibes with my room that makes her uncomfortable.

We sometimes subject her to some emotional depression when we compare her with other kids just out for some laugh trip. She’s always in the limelight and on the hot seat of ridicule.

We all love her. She brings out the kid in everyone of us. She makes us forget about the seriousness and monotony of adult life. She makes us vibrant and young and happy and beautiful. She causes us to be despicable and admirable at the same time.

I guess she’s too young to take everything seriously. She does not know hatred yet so we’re always on a clean slate whenever the need for another drama pops up. Hate me, if you may, but I don’t want to grow too old for her yet. I want to be as young as possible so she can always relate and is always open. I want such bond to be so strong that age would not pull us apart by the time I am all work and no play.

We are A-Team... Two weeks ago in a theme park.

She takes the steering wheel as we bump and go. As the mother, you are always compelled to be a backseat driver.

 

Whew! Just sharing. I just feel oddly generous today.

The Terms in Law School

I’ve learned something from the mid-terms exam… The terms in law school: Either you hit it or miss it.

It’s either you get it or you don’t. And even if you understand a thing, it wouldn’t mean a thing. And even if you fully understand but are unable to put it perfectly, it is still nothing.

There’s no other way about it but to understand perfectly and put perfectly what you learned.

FRUSTRATION!

There are no multiple choices in real law school life. There are but two options: It’s ALL or NOTHING.

Of Coffee Cups and Thumbs Ups

I am a not anything more than a paradox of a stress-prone insomniac. And because of such disorder, I normally succumb to coffee when I’m confronted with a long list of to-dos, err, to-reads. Coffee is the only thing I know that can diminish one’s contempt of a foreseeable greater stress that will be brought about by excessive studying. But I will never admit to being a coffee addict nor the studious type of person.

Last weekend after a long beauty sleep, I forced my brother to drive me to the nearest coffee shop in that late hour. The idea of a free coffee convinced him to play the driver. I was technically high, a little less panicking with every turn of the page of my precious books. Before leaving, we agreed to be back home at midnight. And because I was getting higher and higher, I couldn’t leave the table without having to read up a significant portion of the assigned readings. And we stayed until 2 am.

I cannot accomplish this crime against sleep without my accomplice, Paula.

So Paula was deprived of sleep too that she was immediately knocked down while we drove home. And the addictus me, continued my reading until morning. Yes, no sleep. Just when I was about to go deeper into my slumber on my way to Makati, I got a ring (you know who). Foolish me, I shouldn’t have placed the bag with the phone on my lap. Ugh, those phone calls and exchange of texts totally bothered me that I was almost unable to regain some sleep before class.

Nevertheless, the coffee break that night kept me more centered on school.

Yesterday was long and exhausting but I got through it eventually. I am looking forward to be on half-day leave tomorrow so I can finally have a full sleep. Hopefully, no more phone calls and texts. And looking forward to spend good time with good friends. After which, I’ll exchange coffee for a Sleepasil to ensure a good night rest.

Coffee break equals bonding break!

I Am Justified

I’ve been thinking the entire afternoon about our recent discussion in Philo of Law. I left school and arrived in the office still having the same baggage.

A blockmate of mine might have noticed how I was keeping my head quite low. He said something I couldn’t remember now, but what stuck in my head was how I could easily be associated to what our professor has related. It is no doubt that a child is indeed entitled to his/her right to a mother and a father, but it is not something that I alone can provide to my child. I felt I am justified for not being able to insure such right to her. It was somehow a choice and the result of having no choice.

It’s my choice to end the almost five-year relationship I’ve had with her father. It took me long to make such an intelligent decision. It took me so much pain and sorrow as it was like my whole life spent with that person. In a way, I am like depriving my own self of a known vice or an addiction, or maybe a way of living. He was my life for a time and it was such a huge challenge to overthrow such life. I have to go through almost being lifeless and I did think about that when I made such choice. I was fully aware of the consequences. And as much as I wanted to keep our family together, I also wanted to keep out more pain. I was afraid, and still am, that such pain would be worse enough to hurt her — as it usually hurts her when she witnesses us fighting.

We were a good couple, almost perfect. We got along too well that we never got bored wherever, whatever. He’s the only smart I know that can maintain an interesting exchange of ideas and good humor. Or maybe that WAS for me because of love. The bottom line is, we were happy, almost absolutely — except for some ‘preferences’ he can’t do away with. I call them preferences because they are not normal, but not impossible. These are but preferences that make up his ego. I don’t want to go through all the troubles of making it more clear and discernable. Let us just call it “psychological incapacity”. He was and is willing to accept the responsibilities, but he doesn’t really understand what those responsibilities require. He was willing to give more, but is not ready to bend. So how does that work?

I can simply put it this way… He is not the type of person who will give up everything for the family; Fuck him, because I am. He can be what a husband normally is, but he is everything a father is not. Love, for him, is simply companionship and short-term happiness but never responsibility and commitment. He doesn’t know loyalty, faithfulness and fidelity. To sum it up, he doesn’t know what a family is. He just wants to live and have everything that will keep him happy without having to think what he should do to make others happy. Other people’s happiness was never his business. Maybe one day he will learn but I don’t think it will be soon or less soon. And maybe before he learns, my daughter could have endured so much. And I don’t want that to happen.

Because he is unfatherly, he doesn’t know what his child needs. Leave it to me, as a mother, to understand what I should keep my child away from.

Dark and Bright

Because it was a holy day in Ateneo last Tuesday, I took the liberty to go home so I could take Paula to her second day of school. It was pictorial day, so the pre-schoolers were required to be in proper uniform. She had class the previous day in casual attire as wearing school uniform is normally waived for the first few days of school.

She was excited. Her Ate (yaya) told me that they had writing exercises that Monday and she was second to finish the exercise. Impressive for a starter, right? Because writing is her weakness, and counting, too. I have so long attempted to teach her how to draw basic lines and shapes, and count from one to ten, but to no avail. Now she will be totally forced to do the writing and the counting.

Studying is not a typical activity for a child her age. She likes to shop for books but she doesn’t really scan them for intellectual purposes. Not that she can’t read, but she isn’t really appreciative of drawings. Maybe she’s just shopaholic as I call her. I can’t even think of anything that really interests her, except shopping, of course. I’ve had my nephew, a toddler then, growing up with me and he was always stimulated by the images of animals and trains. It took me less than five minutes to teach him how to identify colors, like I have never did to my child. Paula has never learned the names of her colors until today. But at least she knows which colors are the same and one. She knows that blue, yellow, green and red are colors, but she doesn’t know which is which. Oh, and she can’t even say her name and her age correctly, at her age of three.

She doesn’t like anything that I try to teach her. What she likes most are things that most adults are able to do. She would intentionally ask me or one of her kuyas (my brother) to do and undo one thing while she observes, then would finally remark, “Ah! Ganun pala ‘yun!” And she then performs that thing by herself. She knows how to operate the TV and the DVD, as well as the MacBook. She can even open her Lola’s safe box. She likes complicated things. Five months ago, I bought her a Logico set which she really enjoyed playing with. She can solve problems without supervision even those which I think are beyond her capacity. Counting still remains her weakness, though.

So, going back to the main topic… I took her to the pictorial. After she had her turn, I told her yaya that we should leave the school’s premises as I haven’t had taken anything yet to satisfy my hungry stomach. Paula didn’t want to leave and insisted that the class hasn’t started yet. I did a lot of explaining, telling her that class would resume the following day and that day was alloted only for the pictorial. She was unhappy, so I took her out to the grocery so we can buy cakes and juices for her baon to school. That day ended well, and we slept better after going through more Logico problems.

I will always remember how she would answer me intelligently everytime I tell her something. I once told her that we’re going to the mall “pero hindi ka magtuturo ng laruan.” When we had almost reached our destination, I reminded her  “na walang turo,” that she replied, “Oo, hindi lang turo laruan, kain lang pwede. (Oo, hindi ako magtuturo ng laruan, pagkain lang ang pwedeng ituro).”

That was many months ago. One week before her class, I told her “na ubos na pera ko” after purchasing a pair of Barbie school shoes and another pair of pink gladiator sandals, and other stuffs for school. She simply responded, “Galing ka school Mommy ‘no? Tapos bili mo ako ng shoes, (kasi) dami kang pera. Balik ka na lang ulit school, dami ka ulit pera.” She is now capable of a logical leap*.

*It was ‘logical’ for her, or she believed so, as she associates my coming from school with having money. She also firmly believes that one can simply get money by dropping by an ATM machine. I believe most kids believe so.

On Parenthood — You Never Wake Up Alone

It’s not a big secret that I am a young mother. And that is not even a figurative language to indicate how sensationalized my maternal instincts are and were during my childhood. I had to look after my little brothers at the tender age of 10 as we went through the bumps and bruises of a typical family in the brink of being broken. I was forced to be responsible while young, and it was not even a choice that I could ever refuse. My closest friends would even remark that my life story would pass for an MMK feature. And here I am, honed through years to what should be almost perfection. And yet I feel I am going backwards. It’s a good thing, I tell you.

Today I’m looking forward to taking Paula to school on her second day. My Monday class wouldn’t permit me to be present on her first day. Thanks to St. Thomas Moore, his holiday proved to be a holy day for a single mom like me to fulfill her duties (Oh, never mind the word “single”, we’ll reserve that for future contemplation). My trips from Makati to Laguna and vice versa normally take me two hours one-way. These “two hours” perfectly embody the principle of time being gold, as these should have spared me from additional stress after heavy loads of work and readings, or have enabled me to replenish some of the overworked brain cells through additional hours of sleep, or have substantially reduced my reading assignments. And I did imply that it takes me another two hours to get back to my point of origin. So there we can now ably quantify the opportunity costs of fulfilling a mother’s duty. But I dare to incur such costs, no matter how expensive they may become. See, my maternal instincts are intact.

Parenthood entails so much more than simply providing for your child. I have to adjust my sleeping schedule so I can make “tapik” on her until she finally sleeps. In worse situations, she asks that I sing to her or tell her stories while I’m almost dying to close my eyes. I have to wake up before she does and make sure she never gets soaked on her own pee. She’s growing and it takes a lot of discipline to have her conditioned on the same. I have to teach her a lot of things and that really entails a lot of explaining too. And the more I explain, the more she asks until it gets complicated. More often than not, I have to act less mature so she can relate more. And the more I get to do it, the more I am able to internalize the youth in me — such youth which I deprived my self of when I decided to take seriously the role of being a parent to my four younger brothers. (That was then, I’m relieved now.)

Paula has taught me a lot of things — such things I have never learned to find even in my most intellectual state. I can hardly imagine how a child is able to introduce you to peace and happiness, and a love that is truly worthy of being called unconditional. So that’s why I will never refuse to pay exorbitant opportunity costs. And the things that are most expensive are usually the luxury that most people cannot afford. Well, ideally, everybody can. But not everyone would be immediately willing to take the risk — not at my age, and not in this society.

I am not contemplating on how difficult it is to be a young mother, in a stage where  you are both nourishing a child’s physical and non-physical needs while you struggle to establish your stability at the same time. But it is something that I am determined to accomplish. Paula and I will learn together, grow old and be happy. And one of the luxuries money can’t afford is when you’re down and out, someone will call, “Mommy, gising na, “ after long hours of slumber.