Because I Can’t Tell You Right Now

And I really want to tell you…

That I love you.

That I am with you every step of the way.

That you can tell me anything without having to fear that you will be rejected. Because I will never push you away again. Because I will never leave you again.

That I will always try to understand.

That I will always remember that you love me, more than anyone and anything else.

That I will try to be strong and steadfast.

That being in love means being with you.

You are not mine. You are God’s and He is only sharing you with me and that means I will have to respect you with the freedom that God has given you. I will not force you to change at my own instance. You will change when you feel the need to and not when I tell you to.

That I believe you. Even if you lie a million times, I will always believe you.

I will never doubt your love.

I love you, Love.

B.

 

 

For the New Year… A New Me

I have been busy and crazy these past few months. Nevertheless, I’m looking forward to a new me.

Here’s to growth and empowerment!

Financial management – Yes, I will keep track of my daily expenses. I must start saving now and think hard on investing, too.

Die-T – I’ve been working hard on this for the past few months and it never worked, or I didn’t work too hard. My jeans have stretched enough that they cannot accommodate a few more pounds. I must respond positively to red alert this time. So the key word is “discipline”.

Wellness – And it does not only depend on eating right and sleeping right. To maintain a balanced life, there must also be some degree of physical activity. So I’m saying yes to Zumba.

Happiness – Must choose it!

Dear Mister (Part II)

I know!

Yes, just a meter or so from me.

I’ll see you!

Dear Follower

I am no celebrity and I feel I am in no position to feel honored for I am just as common as everybody. But truly I am honored. You see, I haven’t been updating my page after the final week of my first semester in law school. It’s not that I have nothing to share but that I am struggling with my precious time. But you were there all the time — waking my stats a notch each day.

I hereby promise to make time for you. Just give me a few.

Sincerely,

Bee

Be Faithful to Me

If only “diet” can talk it will ask me to be faithful.

So I ask myself why is it so much easier to be faithful to a man than to a diet. I don’t have the answers. Is food more appetizing than men? Hahaha. What a connection.

Sabaw. Gusto ko na matulog.

I Said No More Coffee But Then I’m A Liar

I need a life extension… Everyday.

You see, 4-6 hours of sleep is torture. It does not only make you less productive, it also adversely affects your brain processing. So when I lack such sleep, I can no longer think rationally as to live up with my promise.

Damn you, insomnia. I should be strictly allotting my extra time to reading. And you are eating my time.

Oh Time, Why Fly So Quickly?

A friend often so complains why there are only 24 hours in a day. He argues that if only a day can be 8 hours longer, he’d be able to do accomplish everything that has to be done. I would always answer that he should not blame time but himself for signing up for too much activities.

Now I understand why he is so bitter about it.

I want a few things done — like get a massage, go night swimming, finish all my readings and experience a complete sleep. Just these things. And I feel completely deprived right now.

The Terms in Law School

I’ve learned something from the mid-terms exam… The terms in law school: Either you hit it or miss it.

It’s either you get it or you don’t. And even if you understand a thing, it wouldn’t mean a thing. And even if you fully understand but are unable to put it perfectly, it is still nothing.

There’s no other way about it but to understand perfectly and put perfectly what you learned.

FRUSTRATION!

There are no multiple choices in real law school life. There are but two options: It’s ALL or NOTHING.

The Sweetest Downfall

I have found a new love in Samson. I could never be described as a techie person, until singleness has struck me that I have so evaded the state of being lonely to the point of yielding to technology in desperation. Yes, my months-old laptop has proven to be a great company.

Everyday, I look forward to come home so I can check my mails and update my blog, crimes I cannot and must not commit in the workplace. I also await the moment I can download new movies to add to my must-watch list.

With Samson in one of our excursions in Nuvali.

Regina Spektor’s song speaks of Samson as her sweetest downfall. My Samson is so much the same — a downfall because it can never love you back, and sweet at that because it can never hurt you (although the thought of something not loving you back already hurts).

With Samson with me, I can never be alone. So I am thinking of investing in more tech stuffs in the near future. Lord, I pray, that I am able to keep my job so I can afford more luxuries because Mama and Papa are not sponsoring anything not school-related, not even my allowances. LOL.

The Request

Earlier today, he said he wouldn’t ask for anything but that we be in good terms for the sake of our child.

He made a statement before that, “sana hindi na ako mapahiya.” Well it’s not that I am subjecting him to any form of embarrassment (unless this is it), but that he’s hoping for my approval to such request.

I didn’t know what to say, but I did say something —  that it’s going to be hard since I am still in the process of wanting to be capable of forgiveness.

It’s sad to remember the past especially when it sometimes feels like it was just yesterday. But I did take liberty to ask him what gives him the confidence to ask me when he should also be avoiding me (because, in a way, I abandoned him after our last ‘battle’). It was a short answer, “Nami-miss kita, ‘yun lang ‘yun.”

I gave him not in a short statement but in a shorter spirit, “Makakalimutan mo rin ako.”

I Am Overly Drained

Yes, and I feel like I am so ineffective in sending my message across to my friends.

I understand that my previous post has brought my stats a mile high against my other posts for the last two weeks and it has adversely exposed my imperfections. I am having so much difficulty in putting my ideas in a coherent manner, adding more insult to my flawed construction.

So there, please spare me again from your scrutiny. I am but human devoid of normal sleep. My brain cells are exhausted.

Music Thoughts

Today is a rather emotional day. So instead of indulging into my own sorrows, I chose to let my music spirit dominate.

So sharing some of the undying lines I sing along with:

“And I know you can see right through me so let me go. And you will find someone.” – Only One, Yellowcard

“And I’m tired of being all alone and this solitary moment makes me want to come back home.” – Your Call, Secondhand Serenade

Oops. It’s time.

I Am Unusually Happy

I feel bitchy for virtually stalking.

But the brighter side of it is that I found my self unusually happy, almost perpetually. I have been battling stress unsuccessfully for the past few days and I feel so relieved that tomorrow will be the proclamation of the president-elect. Not that I am a fan Noynoy, because I definitely am not, but because it meant a day off from school.

Despite the fact that I’ve been pushed beyond my stress limits, I have become exceptionally active and happy tonight. Thanks to my music playlist that inspired me to fall in love, also virtually. Yes, it’s not the love that everyone would normally suspect — but the kind that is induced by happy, love songs. Think of the word “contagious”. That should be the operative term.

So there, I have justified the series of status updates I’ve been making within the night, which I really feel guilty for –and, which, nonetheless, I felt short of doing. So maybe I have declared the rest of the supposed updates here.

I am thinking of sending a preemptive letter of gratitude for my senior and manager. And of course, all the glory and thanks to the Almighty. 

_____________________

Now playing: “I CAN FEEL A HOT ONE” by Manchester Orchestra.

I don’t want to inquire on its meaning, although it seems to point at a tragedy. No matter how tragic it may be, I feel good about it. I feel love and sincerity in it. Reminds me of the Salvatore brothers. Where art thou, Stefan and Damon?

I haven't had the change of mind yet. I'd offer both sides of my neck if it were for the Salvatore brothers.

When You Can’t Simply Dance

For the past few weeks, I have not been faithful to either work or study. If there’s googling, there’s youtube-ing. I was not torn in between, though I can be charged with infidelity primarily for the latter.

I am guilty for taking pleasure in watching K-pop and belly dancing.

And I miss Tuding’s — the late-hour food tripping with my little brothers.

Indulgence. Indulge me, please.

So this is stress.

On Grammar and Error

Shet!

That’s how I exclaimed when I backtracked my write-ups! Sorry for the grammatical errors and whatever error you may find. I am simply squeezing in my thoughts between heavy work and study. LOL. I am not perfect, and I don’t aim to be, set aside my perfectionist tendencies. Irony is a figurative language, and so is paradox and oxymoron, so go figure. Go find errors at the expense of your time. And watch out for inconsistencies and simply delight in the fact that you were able to spot them immediately, a lot better than I am. That only means you are brilliant.

Let’s call it a day!