FEELINGS

I AM HURTING because of words that were spoken and things left unsaid. Because we promised to never leave each other’s side and I feel you’re pushing me away.

I AM HATING MYSELF that I may have offended you because you have offended me. That I may have wounded you just because I fail to see things in a positive light. That I have failed to understand. That I may be pushing you to your edge because I’m too hurt to even bother if you’re hurting the same way.

I AM FULL OF REGRETS that I acted so childishly and selfishly without due regard for your vulnerability. Forgive me for always treating you as my equal because your wonders tell me so. How you are always full in spirit somehow conceals away the bars that are keeping your hands tied together in pain and in misery. And that is so dumb of me. So dumb of me.

I NEED YOU to always be my dearest friend and my deepest love. That we remain best of friends and the best of lovers, the most wonderful parents that we can be. That you keep me inspired to rise up against my own standards and expectations as you have tried to do so and often successfully. That you remain my worst critic who confronts me of my mindlessness without hesitation.

I WANT YOU to be my lighthouse when like a ship I’m lost at sea. Provide me navigation and steer me to your arms where I’ve always belonged in my past life. To confirm my dreams of you as my one and only soulmate in this life and the next. To not give up where I fail and to not give in to your own mistakes… For you are all I want no matter how small you seem to be in your own eyes, for you are biggest in mine.

I LOVE YOU even if you don’t get how and why. I love you–heart, mind, body and soul.

DON’T EVER GIVE UP ON ME.

Found and Lost

I am simply about to press a thought… But what led me here actually revealed a surprising truth–that I haven’t been writing for almost two years. Where was I? I guess, similar to what I am about to share, just lost. How apt?

Here’s what has been bugging my mind in this ungodly hour…

I was young and lost when I found you–well, you found me. Like lightning speed I found myself then lost in you. It was when I was loosening too deep that I found out you were a lost soul too–only worse. We didn’t know then that for the next nine years we would find ourselves entangled in a cycle of losing and finding. And that at the end of it, I would find myself exhausted by the twists and turns only to realize that I’ve wasted almost a decade losing myself for the wrong one; and that I’d eventually be searching and finding myself again alone.

Fast forward to the end… On the verge of almost making it, we found ourselves again seeking. I’ve found you so many times and I’ve held you but you kept falling through my fingers. Because you keep searching and searching when everything you need is right in front of you. You keep seeking when all that’s lost is you. You know the way but you won’t take the path; you won’t even look at it because I was there. You want me there, always there, without you actually being there at the same time. Everywhere you find me is a place of safety for you; but you won’t take refuge. Your lost mind has taught you to never to stop searching. Then I follow you and I see you losing it every single time. And I find you but you zone out. You zone out because you keep reaching on for what is never there… You keep wanting the thing that you never knew you always have. You have dismissed reality; and as real as I am, you have forsaken me too. Discontented, you’ve shunned the long journey that brought us where we are–found, but still searching. We’re verging on stupidity and the realm of inane uncertainty all because you’ve lost grip of what is real and what is imagined. Then you deceive yourself into hating what’s proven and wanting the unproven.

I want to keep finding you but I keep losing myself in the process. And I’ve got two tagging along as I follow you to lost cause without you acknowledging that they need you too. I have grown much into this losing and finding that I’ve learned finally when to stop. But you’re not keeping up with the cycle and it has outgrown you; like your kids outgrowing you. You want them to lose precious years finding you the same way I did for almost a decade?

I won’t let you. It has been excruciating for me to keep finding myself trapped in this helpless loop; watching you beautifully stuck in your immature searching–of pushing and pulling; rewinding and forwarding; wanting and rejecting. We are no yo-yo.

While you enjoy losing yourself again for the wrong things, I’m walking and not looking back in anger. You’ve lost me this time. For good.

Hallo-Win!

Halloween is supposed to be scary–but that’s not quite what we’ve experienced just recently.

Paula and Gabby dressed up for the event. Since it was sem break, I had the time to plan and create their costumes. Unfortunately for me, the kids were not so prepared. Yes, they were excited (I supposed Gabby was, despite of her inability to express such yet) but Paula got scared of the setup (the design, music and all) while Gabby was more inclined to sleep than to have fun at the hour. But it all came to a conclusion and it ended well.

Here are some photos from the event (c/o Kae)……

Gabrielle joins the animal print bandwagon with her snow leopard outfit.

Sleepy head.

After-party. The real fun begins with play, play, and play.

Paula wasn’t the big sister most people would expect her to be. She cried that day–got too scared of everybody else’s spooky look (and maybe of her own, too). In case you’re wondering how Paula pulled off her own stunt despite her Halloween drama and futile attempts to take off, here’s one memory of her biggest nightmare…

Gloomy day. Paula apparently and insistently wanted to look cute, which explains the frustration, disappointment, and horror in her face.

Admittedly, Halloween is not all fun. We are often reminded that life’s uncertain (not really relevant to this post). It could be shaky, too. And the thought of it is just plain horror. But that gives us more reason to try to find fun and happiness–and make life’s daily horror more acceptable and bearable.

My Ultimate To-Do List

I spent most of my semestral break baby-sitting. Sem-break’s officially over since last week and I’m starting to feel the stress and tension of law school.

But before I drown myself in books and more readings (which, by the way, currently stand at 300 pages right now for one subject alone), I’d like to remind myself of a few things that I wish I CAN accomplish–though not so soon, but hopefully before any of these become inappropriate for my age.

1. Write my own book.

2. Have my own clothing line.

3. Create a fashion blog.

4. Record my own music album.

5. Complete a culinary course.

6. Build a pizza-pasta business.

7. Be an marketing expert.

8. Manage a stock portfolio.

9. Be a real estate investor.

10. Send some unfortunate kids to school.

11. Make more covers on YouTube.

This is as far as I can remember.

Will add more to this list when a few things pop up!

How about you? Anything you’ve always wanted to do?

Girls’ Day Out

Here’s a thought: In the middle of our busy schedule, we always find time for things that interest us or make us happy. So here’s mine…

I’ve been wanting to share how I spend my weekends with the kiddos at the expense of my work and school (and a full bath!). We always go out–to the mall or to some nearby park (Nuvali is a favorite). And when we’re within the confines of our humble home, I take care of them–from helping them take a shower to cooking and putting them to bed.

This weekend is a bit special. Although technically not a weekend, the finals week has been giving me some days off. The final exams for one of my electives was scheduled in advanced while the other required a final paper–which meant that I didn’t have to take them as scheduled.

So enough of the backgrounder. The kids love to go out and they’d appreciate anything not home. So here’s a sneak peak to two of our days out.

FIRST is one of our usual weekends–malling.

What came out of our short visit to the mall.

Next up was our FRIDAY swimming.

Here’s Gabby whom we fondly call with a host of other names like By-kae-kae, Abbykae, Tintin, Baten, Omwoi, Gubai, and Bambam–depends on who’s calling her.

Gabrielle having so much fun!

Presenting the finalists for 2012 Bikini Open!

“Ang mga Ate. Bow.”

 

 

In other news, I’m not in any of these pics. That’s what happens when you’re the photographer.

More photos!

I have so many stories to share and these pics only tell a few of them. I need to put baby to sleep now so those stories are reserved for next time. But before I end this post, let me leave you with a swagger…

Smiling gangnam style!

 

 

 

Gabrielle Turns 1!

Sept 22–Kristen Gabrielle’s first birthday and christening!

Add to Cart

“Add to Cart” is an icon you find in most e-commerce websites.

“Add to Cart” is what we do when we go grocery shopping. Why? Because we always have something–err someone–err two babies on the cart. Here’s some pieces of evidence of what we did during the long weekend.

Gibby, in spite of her tender age, has managed to make a friend, Mickey.

And guess what, looks like we almost don’t have anything else on the cart…

Fine. “Grocery” is just an excuse to take the babies out.

Lullabye

I’m developing this habit of wanting music to put me to sleep. My insomnia isn’t getting better and too much reading makes it all worse. I have nightmares sometimes. So I had to distract my own brain from unnecessary analyzing to passive listening. =c

Wonqui Badz

Paula had a fever last week. And as soon as she got better, we had an experiment… Tadah! Paula posing as a model, and I trying hard to be a make-up artist!

Mah Home Girlz!

Paula, the conqueror, has taken over everything… The tablet included! And the low def camera didn’t stop her from dominating… As she and Gabby dominate my heart with these!

And boy, did I not tell you her eyes gave up on her? Not once…

But twice!

Collage! (and fake hair)

Just testing some great apps! Lol! (while Paula practices reading by karaoke-singing on YouTube at this godly hour!)

My Lovelies in Low Def

Looking good in low definition/resolution images…

Nobody wants any of these two get upset.

With my cousin…

Gabby on Free Fall

I bet most people never cared about sleeping positions until they become parents. That — based on my experience.

Neither Gabby nor Paula as a baby made “free fall” a habit — a sleeping position where a person lays on his/her front, the front facing the bed. But I would normally do that: laying my baby tummy-down on my tummy, when she’s not comfortable.

Like today, I haven’t slept at all and it’s already 4 am. Gabby’s been waking up every 10-30 minutes or so, always almost crying before I held her up.

I think that position helps because my heat would relieve whatever cold my baby is feeling and the pressure on her tummy helps suppress any pain. I’m so sleepy and I have to go to Makati from Laguna a few hours from now. Unfortunately, I have to keep awake to ensure that Gabby gets a good night sleep. Normal mommy duties, just like any night.

So just sharing how it looks like!

Forgive me for that stressful look.

My Easter Bunny

Since Paula learned how to read, she’s been bugging me with a lot of things… And one most recently was to join an event for kids this Easter Sunday, after reading an ad from a local mall.

Who’s not to say “yes” to a rare request? Besides, she’s been very shy especially during her first year in school. And you won’t believe that for a big girl like her, she was an easy target of bullying.

Allow me to explain a bit… Because she was too young and then and I wasn’t so sure that she’s ready for school, I decided to send her to day care for her first year. It’s like a trial period. And because I was out to work and I have school, I wasn’t able to look after her — sending her to class and fetching her were a yaya’s task. And I was blessed to have a good yaya then… One whom she really considered an “Ate”. I wanted her to socialize, meet kids of her age and have fun. But it wasn’t what I expected. It was great, she has truly learned in the end… But it was a hostile environment for one who’s got a yaya. Parents are usually allowed to stay by the window, coaching their kids as they undertake their daily activities. And I’ve learned that kids with their parents are always more confident and thus, bullier — because they’ve got a mommy or a daddy, and sometimes even both, as private armies. In other words, kids with their parents around are literally SMARTER.

One of her classmates remarked, “Wala ka namang Mommy eh.” That I was teary eyed hearing that awful story from her. And when school was finally over, I managed to accompany her to class on days when no subject was scheduled for finals. And one day I was even there waiting outside, she turned to me:

Paula (teary eyed): Mommy, inaaway na naman ako classmate ko.

Me (trying not to lose my cool): Sabihin mo nandito Mommy mo.

Paula walked away and returned after a few seconds…

Paula: Eh sabi niya andito din Mommy niya.

Me: (silent… controlling my temper… The guts of that kid!)

Despite the bullying, she survived her first year. And just this year, I sent her to a private school where parents are only allowed to send their kids at the gates. So, that gave her better chances at improving her self-confidence. True enough, she became more confident, independent, and a whole lot smarter. Her teachers are even recommending her for Grade 1, instead of taking the next level which is Prep.

So having that sort of background, I am in no position to refuse an offer from her to join not just any activity, but a competition… An Easter Bunny Carnival Costume Contest (dunno if I got that right, doesn’t sound good to me).

I promised her we were going. Without any preparation, except from some googling for costume idea, I texted my brother’s girlfriend to seek help. So that makes us four already — me, Paula, my bro’s gf, and my bro (because I brought his gf in). Incidentally, my mother just got back from Cebu where she attended the funeral of my Uncle (eternal rest grant unto him…). She brought with her some summer dresses that my Auntie is making in Toledo for export in the U.S. That was Saturday. I mentioned to Kae, my bro’s gf, that I saw some pics of an Easter parade in NYC where people wear big hats with gardens on them. And she suggested we make a head dress. Come Easter Sunday, my other brother decided to come with us because I was bringing Gabrielle with us. That makes six of us.

We got to the mall at 1pm, without anything but the dress and the hat that Kae brought. The parade was scheduled for 2pm, so we really had to hurry. My bro and his gf took care of the registration, 5 minutes before start, while I raced with time making the head dress.

PREPPING UP! Before this, she only had red lipstick and some blush on. Because I heard the other mommy panicking over her daughter's make up, I had to panic too! Twas time for some dark brown eyeshadow.

;

THE RAMP. Paula gracing the stage with her summer dress and our 15-minute head dress. Yes, it had big yellow bunny ears and eggs on the nest. She had brown booty sandals to match her big peasant hat (which did so accidentally). See her bunny pose in the middle!

There was some magic show while the judges deliberate and finalize their decision. It was a long wait, especially for a 5-year old like Paula. Some judges pointing at her, asking for her number, was a good sign.

THE CONTESTANTS. These kids were vying for the title "Wackiest", "Most Colorful", and the "Cutest" Bunny Carnival Costume.

THE SHOW. Perhaps Paula would make a good actress (as opposed to her mommy)... Despite her repulsion to having to wear the heavy head dress again, she managed some great smiles. They'd given away bunny head bands eventually, which gave her some good excuse to remove the burden.

Paula gaining some weight after her big loss is becoming more apparent. She was too skinny until school finally ended.

THE VICTOR. Yay! She won her category -- CUTEST Bunny Carnival Costume!

Oh yeah we brought home some gift certificates and were guilty of shopping right after. It was fun and rewarding despite the lack of preparation. But the exposure and experience that Paula had was priceless, not to mention the confidence boost that no amount of money can ever buy.

BUNNY PHONE. My phone should have joined, too! Niclaus (my phone's name) looks good with its purple costume (although it looks blue here because of the poor lighting).

Btw, thanks to Kae for also being our camera person! Great pics you got there!

The Day Gabby Spoke the First Word She Meant

Being a second-time mom doesn’t make it less exciting. You get to be as proud for every milestone… And I guess that goes for every mother for each of her child. Having previous experience doesn’t make one an expert — only makes you stronger and more confident.

Making the most of the summer vacation, we take her out as often as we can. It's funny how she tries so hard not to sleep -- she loves the change of scenery.

When you become a parent, you become more vulnerable.

You fear not only for yourself — but more for your child. And that leaves you always anxious and worried, especially when you’re away from your child. But as time goes by, you become stronger… trusting that Someone out there will take care of everything.

Being a parent does not only mean challenges. As a parent, you will get to experience the best of emotions — love, joy, and happiness. You get to find sense in every little thing there is and feel very proud of small changes.

Gabby began to speak her first word when she was three months old — making her best efforts to make a sound that doesn’t make sense even to herself. Three months after that, I think she’s starting to say something that makes sense to her.

She’s probably been saying it for a long time but not too clearly… And that I just started to notice

just recently. Yes, she knows now how to say Mama, Mammy, and Mimi — in random order. When she’s not too hurt and is probably just calling my attention, she blurts out Mammy and Mama. And when she’s a bit alarmed or hurt (like her sleep disturbed), she wails “Mimi”. Oh yeah when she’s totally angry she calls out “Wah” like Sen. Miriam — although not in a similar manner.

So that makes me a very proud mother. She calls my name, looking at me, with her hands almost like reaching. And the joy is too overwhelming it almost breaks my heart.

"Taking pics of me again?" Gabby at 6 months!

SWEET TOOTH. Chocolates and mallows are sweet -- and so is Gabby.

 

 

Most people observe how observant she is — staring at things like she understands them. She watches the impeachment trial too and perhaps she can’t wait for Congress’ session to resume. And whenever she sees good food, she tries to express her excitement by making that “aye” look and doing some kicking motions.

 

I know, I know! Sweets like these are not good for the baby. But we only allow her to taste and not feed.

VOILA! Here's how she looks after a short bout with the chocolate and sugar-coated mallows!

 

 

 

 

You know that look? That’s DISAPPOINTMENT. “Please give me more…”

Chun Chin and the Clothes Bin

The kids and I had great fun today…

Yes, that’s a girl who looks just like a good looking boy! We call her Gabby, though my mom fondly calls her Chun Chin!

And because her ate refused to fix our bed, she ended up being in the clothes bin! She looked wonderful, didn’t she? And one more…

Being a good girl that she is, she didn’t put up a fight with me for putting her into such “compromising” position. Lol.

Paula had great fun too! But no photo ops as of today. She’s kinda allergic to shower so she’s better off cam.

Til next time!

Different Ways of Loving

There is no definition of love, except for the description provided in the Bible (1 Corinthians 13:4-8)

But songs and experience tell us there are different ways of loving a person, and they can be classified into three:

1. It means holding on. It’s obvious, especially if the other person feels the same way. But holding on when you’re unsure about his/her feelings means martyrdom.
2. It means letting go. And you have no choice if he/she doesn’t want you anymore. Forcing yourself would only hurt you more. So better let go and claim you’ve given up on him/her before he/she gave up on you.
3. Let it be. In gay lingo, it means kebs. If he/she loves you, then good for you. If he/she doesn’t, then good for you, too. You’d better not waste your time with the wrong person. And thank him/her you can finally move on to a better someone.

I do like Adele’s Someone Like You. But I don’t agree in finding someone like that person. Don’t you think you need someone better?

I know, this sounds bitter all together. But maybe, taking all these three ways within the context of love in the Bible means something really good. Holding on means forgiveness, that you’d still be a good Samaritan despite what the other person did. Letting go means patience, believing that someone you deserve will come — that “someone” may mean a better “you” or a better “one” for you. And letting it be means acceptance… And faith that Someone much greater than we are is in charge.

Or maybe all these is wrong analysis. Remember, that bible verse concluded that “Love never fails.”
So if it fails, it’s not love?

I don’t know but it does make sense. Why allow yourself to be so hurt about love when there’s no love to speak of? You were hurt for something else not love. And it does happen. We get hurt because we stumble, we get knocked off, we fail. We get hurt for so many possible reasons… For investing time and ambitions to the wrong person. But rejoice! Love will come your way. And perhaps, then, you can call it “first love”.

Because the two of us are up at 2 am

Oh yeah, you’ve just awoken from slumber while I have been awake since 10 am yesterday (now it seemed i overslept yesterday but no… Got to bed at 3 am, like I hope to do today)…

Because I can’t tell you because you won’t be able to understand just yet…
And because you’ve gone asleep again after 9 long minutes…

I just want to tell you that I feel you’ll grow up very beautiful… And your natural lip color is too nice that it’s making me envious.

That sometimes I would wish that you’d grow up fast so you won’t be as vulnerable anymore…
That you’d be able to voice out what you think of the impeachment trial because you often watch the proceedings attentively…
That I won’t be always uneasy when I’m everything but not watching after you…

But don’t grow up just yet…
I want to savor every minute being with the little you…
Me always wanting to take care of you…
Me baby sitting you…
Just me loving you like every mother would.

I love you, Gabrielle. And you can’t say, when you grow up, that you don’t remember me telling you that. Because you won’t have any memory of it — just a proof that I did say that when you were helpless and delicate and so precious to me. You won’t be as helpless and delicate when that day comes, but you’ll always be as precious.

Valentines, It Is!

If you think I’ve got plans for Valentines, you’re wrong. Though technically I DO have plans.

Will wake up in 2 hours, go jogging, read up on a few scra, go early for school and pick up a few reading materials.

So where’s the love?

‘Love yourself’ is cliche. Who would even argue.

But love yourself, it is. Don’t get hung up on too many responsibilities — they’ll eat you. Relax, think through and you’ll be fine. Find your direction amidst the ocean of tasks, and find your way to your self. Don’t stress too much, exercise, and be as beautiful as you can be. Be wonderful and good to your own self — you owe yourself just that.

That’s me talking to myself!

Happy V, everyone!

Year-End Packages

First things first. I don’t want to leave the year without saying goodbye to the year that was. I’ve been MIA for a very long time and there are good reasons for it. Second, I want to keep a short documentation of this year’s highlights.

Remember Paula? She’s a bit grown-up now. And look how beautiful she has turned from the chubby little girl who always seemed to almost explode.

 

Paula, aka Wong, waits for her favorite beverage at Happy Lemon, Powerplant Mall, Rockwell

 

She ultimately loves yellow -- she even wanted to have her hair color changed.

And just immediately after Paula turned into 5, we’ve got our early Christmas present. Here’s our new baby-yo!

So here's the new package from heaven, all wrapped in pink. She should be "Little Red Baby in a Pink Hood."

 

Here's Kristen Gabrielle with her Ate.

"Kanguso"

Aw! She looks like a boy even in pink!

That’s all I’ve got this time!

Because I Can’t Tell You Right Now

And I really want to tell you…

That I love you.

That I am with you every step of the way.

That you can tell me anything without having to fear that you will be rejected. Because I will never push you away again. Because I will never leave you again.

That I will always try to understand.

That I will always remember that you love me, more than anyone and anything else.

That I will try to be strong and steadfast.

That being in love means being with you.

You are not mine. You are God’s and He is only sharing you with me and that means I will have to respect you with the freedom that God has given you. I will not force you to change at my own instance. You will change when you feel the need to and not when I tell you to.

That I believe you. Even if you lie a million times, I will always believe you.

I will never doubt your love.

I love you, Love.

B.

 

 

Depress-o

I have made a few presses the past few months which never made it to a post. And here’s another attempt at it.

It’s been difficult. I’ve been high and low. And now I feel so alone, which explains why I am trying my luck at blogging, again. I was happy and sad, and now depressed. Haha. Now crazy, too.

My stomach is rumbling for the love of food. But most of all, my heart is yearning for peace. Happiness, how can you be so hard to get?

It’s finals week and I feel like I’m losing my game. I lost my fighting spirit. I don’t know where this limbo is taking me.

Arte lang. I’ll start moving na today.

For the New Year… A New Me

I have been busy and crazy these past few months. Nevertheless, I’m looking forward to a new me.

Here’s to growth and empowerment!

Financial management – Yes, I will keep track of my daily expenses. I must start saving now and think hard on investing, too.

Die-T – I’ve been working hard on this for the past few months and it never worked, or I didn’t work too hard. My jeans have stretched enough that they cannot accommodate a few more pounds. I must respond positively to red alert this time. So the key word is “discipline”.

Wellness – And it does not only depend on eating right and sleeping right. To maintain a balanced life, there must also be some degree of physical activity. So I’m saying yes to Zumba.

Happiness – Must choose it!

On Family and Familiarity

It is not a question that we only have one family no matter how long it extends to both sides of one’s parents. No matter how big the family is, the fact remains that each person only has one family tree which may keep on growing and growing but is never capable of breeding another tree apart from its own.

That is technically true, and, at the same time, constructively false. We are capable of not just branching out, but also building other families. Maybe not the genetic one, but one that you really internalize and consider a part of your being. We have friends that we consider our family, and the not-really friends in a strict sense.

Here’s the other family of the first situation.

A new family found in Batch Santikan, Ateneo Human Rights Center Sembreak Internship 2010.

And a family of the other kind:

My host family during AHRC's immersion program in Tamala, General Nakar, Quezon.

And our home. My partner and I have had a different family experience that is truly remarkable and unforgettable. Theirs is the family of true Filipino values.

Yes, I have made good use of my semestral break and found two new families to call my own.

The whole internship program was geared towards a familiarity of the different sectors and communities that are in need of our service. It enabled us to find a different perspective and a better outlook in life, and perhaps a deeper appreciation of our social responsibility. I also realized that we are not at all that different given the disparity in terms of civilization because they were able to welcome and embrace us as their own. This led me to understand that we too can relate easily with others despite our differences so long as we consider ourselves one within the same nation.

They are not the friends that we spend our every day with, wasting our resources to find comfort and happiness in little things. They are our fellowmen and now my family. Their plight is our fight.

Dear Mister (Part II)

I know!

Yes, just a meter or so from me.

I’ll see you!

Dear Follower

I am no celebrity and I feel I am in no position to feel honored for I am just as common as everybody. But truly I am honored. You see, I haven’t been updating my page after the final week of my first semester in law school. It’s not that I have nothing to share but that I am struggling with my precious time. But you were there all the time — waking my stats a notch each day.

I hereby promise to make time for you. Just give me a few.

Sincerely,

Bee

I Know Stress So Well

That I don’t have eye bags doesn’t mean I am not stressed. In fact, I have never felt so tired ever since I entered law school until last week that I broke down. And it’s not yet over, although the semester is officially over since yesterday. Too much stress from the past few week’s busy schedule, non-stop review for the finals, the piling work load, pending reports, and the list goes on. And there’s also forward-looking stress. I know hell week so well.

I know stress from sleepless nights, from heavy concentration and memorization, and from utilizing one’s brain power beyond capacity. Thank God the brain is not a machine that crashes anytime. I could have been dead today. But I am so alive stressing over what is to come, over missing Paula and the thought of not being able to see her for two weeks, and over making plans on how I can spend time with her before I go out of town and away from home.

Stress #1: SO MISSING PAULA. Good thing I have convinced my brother to bring her later today so we can at least be together as I work while she plays beside me. I’m worried about her long trip to come see me, and at the same time excited to finally feel her. As a consequence, I will endure additional stress by taking the long trip back and from Laguna to get her home and make it on time for our getaway.

Stress #2: WORK LOAD AND PENDING REPORTS. I must do it although the probability is high that I won’t be able to finish it. I am positive though. The thought of it is not the most stressful idea but the more-stressed-sleep-deprived-me as a result.

Stress #3: THE AXE EFFECT. You call a grade “palakol” when it is in a line of 7, meaning 70-79. I am not afraid of it, even as a first-timer. What I am concerned is getting a failing mark which is somewhere between. Please, Lord, give me no less than 78.

Stress #4: PACKING GALORE. I never enjoyed packing and now I have to pack three for different venues and activities. And there’s time constraint making it worse. So assuming Paula and I leave at 10PM tonight, arrive home at 12MN, sleep by 1AM, wake up by 3, leave home by 4, pack a little more by 5:20 to make it at 6. Is it possible?

Stress, I hate you. Leave me alone.

General Cleaning

I am so exhausted today. After a long day work, I’ve had to clean up our messy room and organize my stuffs. At least that’s what I have decided before going to bed. I’m almost done but I feel there is still much to do.

I’m still wearing my office attire. I will have to exercise first before I take a quick shower and finally surrender to S and S (study and sleep). And before I sweat myself off, I’ve had to endure a few hours brushing my sandals, folding and hanging my clothes, arranging my books and other stuffs, and finally sweeping the dust off the floor as I listen to my Dashboard Confessional playlist. All the time I was doing those tasks I’ve been contemplating on a few things that I wanted to accomplish. And aside from that, I’ve been reflecting on a lot of things and decided to clean my spirit too.

So I made a list of some short- to medium-term material goals, and another of daily objectives. And as I look forward to what I want to do, I realize that I have to start forgiving myself for the wrong decisions I have made. Truly, my life is difficult, so as others. But I cannot make it more difficult and make them appear insurmountable. I have to put things into perspective and really start moving on.

Although I feel bad about having to start all over again, I must know that it’s the only way I can make life better for me and Paula. It’s hard to forgive but I can start forgetting and hope someday I would not have to look back and feel sorry. I must choose to be happy and fight off the nightmares of the past.

So there, the cleaning does not end here. It’s a continuous process that I must diligently undertake, a routine I must gladly make.

I must do my crunches now so I can hit the sack anytime now before the dawn begins to crack.

 

Be Faithful to Me

If only “diet” can talk it will ask me to be faithful.

So I ask myself why is it so much easier to be faithful to a man than to a diet. I don’t have the answers. Is food more appetizing than men? Hahaha. What a connection.

Sabaw. Gusto ko na matulog.

Gratitude Mail

Dear Mister,

I would like to thank you for helping me cross one of the most difficult bridges that I have to encounter in this lifetime. I thought I’d never get through but I made it with you. My chances would have been  completely diminished have I not met you. So thank you.

Having met you is probably the most dreamy thing that has happened recently. I met hope upon meeting you. I thought hope was as endangered as the white tigers. Well, really you are rare and one of a kind, but you bring light into the room when you enter. Surely you are a blessing. And again, I thank you.

The first time I saw you, I felt for the first time that I can finally move on. I realized that there is much to hope for and that I can let go and hold on to a dream of a new life. My apprehensions of not finding one better than the one I had went gone in an instant. You took them all away, and took me with you. And with that, I thank you.

Every single day that our eyes meet, I am renewed. I want to smile like crazy at you. I have turned from dead to a new-born, and now finally kicking. Thank you.

I could not thank you more for it wouldn’t be enough. I can only let my words express my gratitude in an understated manner because I cannot let  my heart out. The thought of you frees the spirit within me. Lucky me, I guess. Now I have you to pray for everyday.

Thank you once again.

By the way, what’s your name? I don’t even know where to address this to. How can I get to you? Tell me.

Should be yours tomorrow,

Miss